We are each at the center of an expanding Universe, and the center of us is considered the heart. It is from that place that we are co-creating the cosmos, the world, and our lives. We are not in the world, but the world is in us. Let us discover the life stories we tell and the beliefs that inform not only our lives, but creation itself.
In January of 2018, I remember returning from 3 days in my hometown, Salt Lake City, where I went mainly to see my older brother who had dementia. It was a powerful trip in many ways. I had not been to Salt Lake City in 14 years, and it had changed quite dramatically. It was quite a trip down memory lane, and a time of facing a loved one who might not remember me.
My brother was sleeping in late when I arrived, so his daughter (my niece), who was his caregiver, led me into his bedroom where I gently coaxed him into waking up. The moment he saw me, his eyes lit with recognition, and he smiled with happiness. That was a huge relief to me and very heartwarming. I was glad I had made the trip before he no longer knew me.
Over the next few days, he would occasionally answer questions about what he remembered and what he did not. In some cases, he had no context left to even understand the question. And then he would surprise me with a vivid memory of a particular period of his life told in great detail. On the second day, my niece, Michelle, drove us on a tour of our former houses in a different part of town. My brother remembered 2 of the 3. That drive is now a memory I will always have of him and his daughter that I will cherish.
What I enjoyed the most was his humor, which in some ways was still intact. For example, I left for the evening and asked if I could bring him anything when I returned the next day. Without a moment’s hesitation, he responded, “Yes, a hundred thousand!” In many ways, he was very childlike at age 84, but it was actually sweet and sort of charming. I had dreaded saying goodbye, not knowing if I would see him again. But, he hugged me tightly and said, “I’ll see ya, Kath.” Those parting words made me feel happy rather than sad, knowing at the time that we will meet again, whether in this life or beyond.
I had dinner one night with my brother’s son (my nephew) and his family. I had not seen either my niece or nephew for 23 years! None of us had lived in the same area for that long. My niece is a “lapsed” Mormon, and my nephew is a former Mormon Bishop, and he was still very involved in the “Church.” As Salt Lake City planted the seeds of religious rebellion in me at an early age that sent me on a journey in my life, it was an experience to once again see those contrasts.
I was also blessed to spend time with a long-time friend who I had not seen for 9 years. She was my roommate for 5 years, and we traveled together when we were in our 20s. We took photos standing in front of an old apartment that we shared and spent hours talking as though we had never been apart.
When I returned home, I had a dream that combined numerous elements of my life into one place… a former church, in which I was getting ready to speak at the Sunday Service. There were individuals present from my various churches, along with my grandson and different friends. Some man came and wanted to see my ID before the Service! Needless to say, my trip back into the past stirred questions of identity for me!
Sometimes, it is important for us to venture back and remember the significant people and stories that have created our lives. It deepens our self-awareness and brings insights into memories forgotten. It helps to answer those all-important questions, “Who am I,” and “What is my place in the Universe?”
Only weeks after I left Salt Lake City, my brother lost his capacity to recognize most people except his daughter who cared for him. He passed away four months after my visit. I will always remember that last visit with him as a special blessing. I returned to speak at his Memorial Service, and while there, I felt so glad I had made it in time to say goodbye and hear him saying, “I’ll see ya, Kath,”
Love & blessings!
Rev. Kathy